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Identity Two

If there's one thing I've found in the last week, it's that my world is smaller than I thought it was.

Sickness will do that to you, you know. I've had a cold for the past week, a cold that's halted my normal routine and forced me to understand myself in a different light, if only for the duration of a week's time.

Having your ability to work taken from you, or at least hindered, and being compelled to rest, has forced me to stop and think about why I do the things I do. I've found that my very identity comes in large part from what I do, and losing the ability to continue in that mode has ushered inside me a sense of confusion and disillusionment. Some would shrug with a deprecating gesture and wonder why I even bring up the point. "Aren't all males like that?" they might respond. Many are, I'm sure, but not all; and even among those for whom it is true, it doesn't have to be that way. Many men find that their value isn't defined by what they do, so why couldn't I be that way? I firmly believe in free will: there's always choice involved.

Nonetheless, my identity has been defined by what I do, and the point has come to me in such start contrast over the past week that I've had this sort of existential peering-over-the-edge-of-the-cliff moment. Okay, I'm being a little melodramatic, but my point is that I've been jarred. Until now, I wasn't even aware that I had this problem. I wonder how much of it is caused by my culture. What, after all, is one of the first questions we ask someone we first meet? "So, what do you do for a living?" The answer, we subconsciously conclude, will allow us to begin to shape this person in our minds.

I'm not trying to be cynical. That's not my style. Still, I understand that a person's identity must be something he or she fights for. If you fail to do so, you'll be defined by others, and be just as confused as I have been for the past week (and apparently, the past twenty or more years). For me, this will mean beginning to pick and choose what I do with my time, instead of allowing the winds of fate to knock at my door and invite me to another party, volunteer activity, or opportunity to work. It's an uphill battle for someone who's made it a habit of saying "yes" to now turn and begin saying "no;" but now that I'm aware of the issue, I think I can begin making something of myself. More to come. Thanks for reading.
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