Dishonest Scales

Loneliness isn't an easy experience, but it is a universal one. Just as present as the need to endure it, however, is a balance that needs to be kept because of it. On the one hand is the need to be loved, and on the other, the need to be faithful to yourself and the values you know to be right. Whichever side of the scale is heavier at the moment will determine your behavior around (or without) others: if loneliness weighs heavier on your heart, you will be more likely to give more of yourself away, to compromise yourself because your need to feel accepted is more pressing at the moment; and if you're fulfilled by other circumstances in life (in my experience, the fulfillment that comes through work or service, rich relationships, or the need to think about things on your own), you will be more likely to hold to your values and rebuff challenges to them.

There is a pride in one and not the other. It's as though remaining solvent is worth the loneliness. There are two roads to maintaining that pride. One is to face the challenges to your values directly, and the other is to avoid them by avoiding relationships. It is easier to avoid than to find that you're not strong enough to guard your values.

Let me give you a recent example. Like others, I believe in the importance of defending the weak, of standing by the side of the underdog. Twice in the past few days, however, I've seen my inability to meet that standard. Once was on the soccer field, when a group of guys made comments against one of the other players. I made an offhand comment, like "He's doing alright," but that was all. I could have been stronger, defended him more directly; it revealed that I can be so much more interested in protecting myself than in caring about others. In a second instance, I only weakly interjected twice in the situation, once indirectly and the other more directly. I knew I was fulfilling my need to defend without actually doing so, without the actual risk involved. Such self-deception is common to us, I'm sure, but it was more obvious in my experience here.

This, of course, focuses on the problem and not the solution. The solution is to forget yourself for the moment, to put yourself in the other person's shoes and so claim a right to his or her value as a person. If there is a scale of conflict as I see it-- with a desire to be loved on the one side and the need to remain faithful to what you know to be right on the other-- then the goal is to weight the scales so that they tip consistently toward justice for self and others. I get the feeling that practicing this "weighting" process leaves you not so alone, after all.