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Ex Umbra In Solem

Walking one day at dusk, I remember seeing the shadows of streetlamps, cast lightly on white concrete as the sun set. I remembered then a verse from James: "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." It wasn't particularly Earth-shattering to me at the time; but now, when I remember those times in my life when I knew little else but uncertainty and confusion, I have to consider just how much the stability expressed in that verse offered to me, and just how sustained I truly was. Maybe it was because I felt such suffuse insecurity that I couldn't see the larger plan God had-- and has-- through it all; but I tend to believe, now, that God truly does "work for the good of those who love him," even when they aren't really loving him at the moment. It is this understanding, above all, that stands as a testament to God's unconditional love; that even when we fail to love him with our lives, he chooses to continue loving us in his. Time had stopped for me, offering nothing more than a hazy future that seemed so out of reach; but I look back now, and see that God was there. He could be found in the voices of family, friends, pastors, and even strangers. I couldn't have seen God's unchanging nature at the time, but I suppose that's because I was too immersed in darkness to recognize that there was a stable Presence in my life, a person who never stopped caring.

Those shadows mean more to me now. I can see a little more clearly, even if it is only by looking backward. Sometimes you don't understand how dark a place really was until you step beyond it. It's been a long time since I've been in that place, but I have to say I believe the verse in James is truer now for me than when I first believed.

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