Skip to main content

Something More

My eighth-grade students were studying poetry awhile back. In the midst of this, I had each of them introduce and recite a poem that he or she liked. When one of my classes finished, someone asked if I would recite one from memory. Caught a little off-guard, I told them I would read one of my own (it was sitting in the room already because I'd told a student I would share one of my poems, but never got around to it). I can't tell you how nervous I was reading that poem to my students (my principal happened to be there, too). The nervousness was bad enough that I actually had to stop mid-poem to calm myself.

I rarely feel this way in front of my classes anymore, but it was different here, and I know why. Despite the fact that I speak day in and day out, all of my words are mere recitations of academic concepts or commentary on events that involve other people. Very little of it-- and I try to keep it this way-- involves my personal life.

This is a good thing. Teachers should keep a professional distance from their students. I didn't think this poem would violate that principal, but it did. I didn't realize that this poem was even somewhat of a reflection of my own feelings, but it was. The event simply confirms something that's come up now and then in my mind as a teacher: this profession tends to accentuate your quirks and personality traits because you are so visible to the students, so visible in fact that they become to you a mirror, reflecting your behavior and attitudes. They see and often point out things about you that even you are not aware of. In this case, what the poetry failure emphasizes is that I am both guarded and sensitive.

I hate that about myself. Guys aren't supposed to be sensitive. They are supposed to be like Daniel Craig at the end of Cowboys and Aliens, the Marlboro-Man type who rides off into the sunset alone, who listens to no one and needs no one. They are supposed to be independent. I've tried to be this, and I can put up a pretty solid front most of the time; but if there's anything that will take you off your pedestal and thrust you into reality, it's letting yourself be seen-- really seen-- by people who need you to be something more, or at least those you think need you to be something more.

That, I think, is the very issue. I have believed that it is my place to be strong for those around me, to be physically, intellectually, and emotionally available to anyone who needs it; but not to lay any burden of need on others. This has led, of course, to some necessary isolation. It is impossible to be in relationship and not be seen as a human being. I can play the role of an available person by being open with my feelings and yet never truly let others see what I fear and love.

So I am not the Marlboro Man. So what? I guess that means I'm sensitive. I also like poetry, and if it takes me pausing to collect myself to learn a measure of self-acceptance, I think I'm in a better place than I was before; and certainly so if can lay down my shield, if I can let go of the person who directed his energies into fulfilling the role of a mannequin man representing what all men are supposed to be. By being me and becoming "less," I believe that I will truly become more.*

*Make no mistake. I doubt I will ever put myself in the poetry-reading position again. That was just awkward!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Savior

This wasteland cold and dark runs free Its fearful creatures speak to me One fateful day one nudged my hand To set my eyes upon a tree He knew I could not understand For I was in his native land His signs became our common speech To lead me through the deadly sand Now stuck I saw him me beseech He could not lift me out to reach The firm foundation of a cave Outside the boundaries of this beach Withal, the beast became more brave To risk his own my life to save To carry me, its life it gave To carry me, its life it gave. This poem was inspired by Robert Frost's "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening." That poem, like this one, has four four-line stanzas of eight syllables per stanza. Its rhyme scheme is AABA BBCB CCDC DDDD.
Post a Comment
Read more

Ghosts

Exercising at a gym seems to be pretty important in our culture, but it's kind of weird to see the social dynamics when you're there. Usually, if you're running an errand, you see others doing the same thing, going about their days and focusing on what's in front of them. The same thing happens at the gym, only everyone is relatively stationary. They don't really go anywhere, except from one machine or area to another. One might think this lends itself to lots of interaction between members, especially since they're all there for the same purpose, but it isn't true. Not only do people generally avoid talking to one another, but they also avoid even looking at one another. It is as though there is no one else there, even though there are dozens on any given day. Most people follow this unwritten rule, unless something in the environment-- say, two people wanting to use the same set of weights-- gives them common ground to interact, or unless they've alr...
2 comments
Read more

Evil, According to Republicans and Democrats

Please note that the following thoughts are only my observations. Please consider the evidence you see in the behavior of both parties for yourself. In our politically polarized climate, I was thinking about how Democrats and Republicans are different, and where those differences come from. Democrats seem to place more hope in institutions, and seek to reform those institutions when there is something wrong in society. Hence, there is more willingness to levy taxes to offer more social services as a support to those with less than others. They see the state as a way to equalize society. Thus, evil, to Democrats, seems to be a social issue: if there is a problem in society--poverty, racism, climate change, etc.--it is a problem with the structure of society and must be addressed as such: repair the system, and you will solve the problem. They are generally accepting of a larger state bureaucracy because they believe that increased accountability within a state structure will prevent evi...
Post a Comment
Read more