Sometimes, when we hand out lunches to the homeless on Sundays, an
individual will ask for a second lunch, ostensibly because
there is a family member somewhere who needs one. We respond by saying
that we give lunches only to the people who come to us in line. This
prevents individuals from taking two lunches for themselves.* Two Sunday
ago, however, we were handing out lunches to more people than we had
ever seen before. The pace was quick and it was difficult to keep up. In
the midst of this business, a woman asked me if she could receive a
second lunch for a man in a wheelchair across the street (he was visible
to us), saying that my mother had already given her permission. Too
rushed to stop and think, I reluctantly gave the woman the second lunch.
I watched, then, as she walked toward the man in the wheelchair, then
saw her turn left to sit on a bench with others without having given him
the lunch.
Although I can't say for certain whether the woman shared the second lunch with someone, I left that day angry at her actions. I expressed this to my mother, who used the situation to teach me a lesson. She told me that this woman was in a situation different than our own, and that although we still might not have done what she did, it was necessary to understand her perspective. She was willing to lie because of her circumstances.
Honestly, it didn't help at the moment. It wasn't until I got home and felt a sense of relief from the morning that I better understood what my mother meant. This woman, I thought, did not have the option of retreating to her own personal space like I did. She did not, apparently, have the freedom to buy groceries for herself or for those she loved. I don't pretend to understand her situation fully, but I can tell you that I wasn't angry anymore when I looked at the woman's situation that way. It was for me a powerful lesson in empathy, and-- by extension-- one that taught me how it is possible at all to forgive.
More broadly, it also showed me how little I understand about what it means to be truly grateful. To put this into perspective, let me offer something that for many of us may seem intuitively true: that there are immense benefits to being grateful. Not only has gratitude been found to improve your well-being, health, and emotional state,** but being grateful also encourages others to help us more than they otherwise would have. In a 2010 study, researchers Adam Grant and Francesca Gino offered $10 to college students willing to participate in a study ostensibly about writing feedback. The students were asked to comment on the cover letter of a fictitious student named Eric by writing him an e-mail with their thoughts. When they did so, the researchers used Eric's e-mail account to respond to half the students with the following note:
"Dear [Name], I just wanted to let you know that I received your feedback on my cover letter. I was wondering if you could help with a second cover letter I prepared and give me feedback on it. The cover letter is attached. Can you send me some comments in the next 3 days?"
To the other half, the researchers sent the following note:
"Dear [Name], I just wanted to let you know that I received your feedback on my cover letter. Thank you so much! I am really grateful! I was wondering if you could help with a second cover letter I prepared and give me feedback on it. The cover letter is attached. Can you send me some comments in the next 3 days?"
Grant and Gino found that twice as many students who received the grateful version of the letter helped the student again (66 percent of students responded again, versus 32 percent of those who received the first letter). The experiment built on previous studies that found that humans are motivated to feel agentic (competent) and communal (accepted), finding that the students who were thanked for their help-- compared with those who were not-- experienced more of both.***
Despite our having spent previous Sundays handing out lunches, it has only been since that day at the dining hall two weeks ago that I have better understood just how rich I am. I have a family who cares about me, a job that provides for my needs, a home that offers me physical and emotional shelter, and the relative peace and freedom of movement that so many others in this world lack. In short, I have so much to be grateful for.
Yet, I understand, too, that I do not yet understand fully. I know-- in my mind-- that there is a more significant understanding to be had of just what it means to live, and a deeper gratitude to be felt in the face of extreme suffering, that tells me that the self-same woman who apparently lied to me that day may also be richer and more full of life than I ever could be at the moment. There is more wealth in this life than we are aware of, only it is a wealth of spiritual nature.
Paul, from the Bible, is an example of this otherworldly wealth. Eight times in the book of Philippians, Paul uses the word "rejoice" to describe how we should approach our circumstances. Coming from Paul, this seems strange. Here was a man who had been flogged, beaten with rods, stoned, and flatly rejected by his culture; and yet, he could encourage his readers to rejoice in their circumstances. He could do this, I believe, because he had perspective. He could tell his readers to rejoice because he knew the result. Listen to these words toward the end of the book:
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-- put it into practice. And the peace of God will be with you." (Philippians 4:4-9, NIV Bible)
Paul was a man who knew what it meant to live. He didn't have to find himself by absconding to a foreign country; he didn't have to assert his social status with his education or by buying expensive things (although he didn't have this material wealth, one finds from his disposition in Scripture that he would not have indulged in that life, even if he had the choice). In fact, he gave up his social status as a religious leader for a life of rejection. So, too and with greater loss, did Jesus.
What all of this teaches us, I think, is that we have so much more than we know and-- equally important-- that we are listening to the wrong messages of those who tell us what it means to be rich in this world. We are rich in the sense that we have more material wealth and more social and societal support than we know. Yet, we are also poor. We are poor in the sense that we don't tap into the full life that God wants us to enjoy, a life defined by gratitude for the pleasures of giving. The first words in the study by Grant and Gino, after the abstract, are the words of writer Francois de La Rochefoucauld. They are telling, and they define what I know is a clear Biblical principal: "We are better pleased to see those on whom we confer benefits than those from whom we receive them." Perhaps this understanding was one of the reasons God could give his son for us, because he takes joy in the act of giving, in seeing the freedom found by those on whom he confers his benefits, even if those who receive don't deserve it. It is my role, then, to be grateful to him for his character, not only because it teaches me how to live, but more broadly because it allows me access to that freedom of choice at all.
*We are willing to walk with the person to give the lunch to the family member or friend directly. Once, when I told someone I would walk with him to give the lunch to the person directly, the man agreed; but when I began walking with him, he asked me what I was doing. When I told him I was following him to give this person his or her lunch, he told me, "Nevermind." Often, though, the individuals who asked were telling the truth.
**Emmons, R.A. and McCullough, M.E. (2003). “Counting Blessings versus Burdens: An Experimental Investigation of Gratitude and Subjective Well-Being in Daily Life.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84, 377-389; and Seligman, M.E.P., Steen, T.A., Park, N., and Peterson, C. (2005). “Positive Psychology Progress: Empirical Validation of Interventions.” American Psychologist, 60, 410-421.
***Grant, Adam, and Gino, Francesca (2010). “A Little Thanks Goes a Long Way: Explaining Why Gratitude Expressions Motivate Prosocial Behavior.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 6, 946-955.
Although I can't say for certain whether the woman shared the second lunch with someone, I left that day angry at her actions. I expressed this to my mother, who used the situation to teach me a lesson. She told me that this woman was in a situation different than our own, and that although we still might not have done what she did, it was necessary to understand her perspective. She was willing to lie because of her circumstances.
Honestly, it didn't help at the moment. It wasn't until I got home and felt a sense of relief from the morning that I better understood what my mother meant. This woman, I thought, did not have the option of retreating to her own personal space like I did. She did not, apparently, have the freedom to buy groceries for herself or for those she loved. I don't pretend to understand her situation fully, but I can tell you that I wasn't angry anymore when I looked at the woman's situation that way. It was for me a powerful lesson in empathy, and-- by extension-- one that taught me how it is possible at all to forgive.
More broadly, it also showed me how little I understand about what it means to be truly grateful. To put this into perspective, let me offer something that for many of us may seem intuitively true: that there are immense benefits to being grateful. Not only has gratitude been found to improve your well-being, health, and emotional state,** but being grateful also encourages others to help us more than they otherwise would have. In a 2010 study, researchers Adam Grant and Francesca Gino offered $10 to college students willing to participate in a study ostensibly about writing feedback. The students were asked to comment on the cover letter of a fictitious student named Eric by writing him an e-mail with their thoughts. When they did so, the researchers used Eric's e-mail account to respond to half the students with the following note:
"Dear [Name], I just wanted to let you know that I received your feedback on my cover letter. I was wondering if you could help with a second cover letter I prepared and give me feedback on it. The cover letter is attached. Can you send me some comments in the next 3 days?"
To the other half, the researchers sent the following note:
"Dear [Name], I just wanted to let you know that I received your feedback on my cover letter. Thank you so much! I am really grateful! I was wondering if you could help with a second cover letter I prepared and give me feedback on it. The cover letter is attached. Can you send me some comments in the next 3 days?"
Grant and Gino found that twice as many students who received the grateful version of the letter helped the student again (66 percent of students responded again, versus 32 percent of those who received the first letter). The experiment built on previous studies that found that humans are motivated to feel agentic (competent) and communal (accepted), finding that the students who were thanked for their help-- compared with those who were not-- experienced more of both.***
Despite our having spent previous Sundays handing out lunches, it has only been since that day at the dining hall two weeks ago that I have better understood just how rich I am. I have a family who cares about me, a job that provides for my needs, a home that offers me physical and emotional shelter, and the relative peace and freedom of movement that so many others in this world lack. In short, I have so much to be grateful for.
Yet, I understand, too, that I do not yet understand fully. I know-- in my mind-- that there is a more significant understanding to be had of just what it means to live, and a deeper gratitude to be felt in the face of extreme suffering, that tells me that the self-same woman who apparently lied to me that day may also be richer and more full of life than I ever could be at the moment. There is more wealth in this life than we are aware of, only it is a wealth of spiritual nature.
Paul, from the Bible, is an example of this otherworldly wealth. Eight times in the book of Philippians, Paul uses the word "rejoice" to describe how we should approach our circumstances. Coming from Paul, this seems strange. Here was a man who had been flogged, beaten with rods, stoned, and flatly rejected by his culture; and yet, he could encourage his readers to rejoice in their circumstances. He could do this, I believe, because he had perspective. He could tell his readers to rejoice because he knew the result. Listen to these words toward the end of the book:
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-- put it into practice. And the peace of God will be with you." (Philippians 4:4-9, NIV Bible)
Paul was a man who knew what it meant to live. He didn't have to find himself by absconding to a foreign country; he didn't have to assert his social status with his education or by buying expensive things (although he didn't have this material wealth, one finds from his disposition in Scripture that he would not have indulged in that life, even if he had the choice). In fact, he gave up his social status as a religious leader for a life of rejection. So, too and with greater loss, did Jesus.
What all of this teaches us, I think, is that we have so much more than we know and-- equally important-- that we are listening to the wrong messages of those who tell us what it means to be rich in this world. We are rich in the sense that we have more material wealth and more social and societal support than we know. Yet, we are also poor. We are poor in the sense that we don't tap into the full life that God wants us to enjoy, a life defined by gratitude for the pleasures of giving. The first words in the study by Grant and Gino, after the abstract, are the words of writer Francois de La Rochefoucauld. They are telling, and they define what I know is a clear Biblical principal: "We are better pleased to see those on whom we confer benefits than those from whom we receive them." Perhaps this understanding was one of the reasons God could give his son for us, because he takes joy in the act of giving, in seeing the freedom found by those on whom he confers his benefits, even if those who receive don't deserve it. It is my role, then, to be grateful to him for his character, not only because it teaches me how to live, but more broadly because it allows me access to that freedom of choice at all.
*We are willing to walk with the person to give the lunch to the family member or friend directly. Once, when I told someone I would walk with him to give the lunch to the person directly, the man agreed; but when I began walking with him, he asked me what I was doing. When I told him I was following him to give this person his or her lunch, he told me, "Nevermind." Often, though, the individuals who asked were telling the truth.
**Emmons, R.A. and McCullough, M.E. (2003). “Counting Blessings versus Burdens: An Experimental Investigation of Gratitude and Subjective Well-Being in Daily Life.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84, 377-389; and Seligman, M.E.P., Steen, T.A., Park, N., and Peterson, C. (2005). “Positive Psychology Progress: Empirical Validation of Interventions.” American Psychologist, 60, 410-421.
***Grant, Adam, and Gino, Francesca (2010). “A Little Thanks Goes a Long Way: Explaining Why Gratitude Expressions Motivate Prosocial Behavior.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 6, 946-955.
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