Last week and today mark the twelfth week of the professional football season. Sure, statisticians and football mavens spend their energies predicting the outcome of these weekly contests. Bets run high on these outcomes. Some even consult the wisdom of the current version of EA Sports' Madden football game to predict who will reach and win the Superbowl. Amid this flurry of activity over who will emerge as champions, however, I believe a terrible injustice has occurred. I am certain that I am not alone in noting this negligence. Indeed, there may be many voices who have attempted to speak up about it before, but perhaps they did not have the stage on which to lodge their complaint. To address this problem, I take time today to answer a pressing question. It is this: while we pay such close attention to which NFL team will win each week, what of the mascots? What would happen if the actual animals, people, and inanimate objects were compelled to fight one another? What would the outcomes be? No one need worry about the accuracy of such predictions, for I will apply both thorough training and keen acumen to predict the outcomes of mascot match-ups, using the games from week twelve. To begin, let us turn our attention first to Thursday's game between the Kansas City Chiefs and Oakland Raiders.
1. Raiders versus Chiefs
Our first contest appears to be a difficult, yet exciting, one to predict. Who wouldn't want to see pirates battle Native American chiefs, whether by land or sea? To make it the more interesting, we recall that these two groups were, in fact, contemporaries, meaning such a match-up could have actually taken place. To predict our winner, let us note first that home field advantage matters. For, if pirates were forced to battle their resourceful opponents among the forests of, say, Pennsylvania or New York, Native chiefs from tribes like the Lenni Lenape-- or perhaps more powerful-- the Mohawk and Seneca of the Iroquois League, the chiefs would certainly possess intimate knowledge of the land, and pirates would find themselves searching--perhaps aimlessly--to find those attacking them with guerrilla tactics. Corsairs, privateers, and other pirates, however, often began their careers with commercial or naval operations, and only later opted or--many times--forced to join pirate vessels. They were therefore skilled men of the sea, able easily to maintain balance amid the tossing of the waves. It would not be surprising if Native chiefs had first to focus their energies on correcting their seasickness before focusing them on their much more seaworthy opponents; and therefore would be at a signal disadvantage. Considering next the weaponry used, we find that pirates here would likely have the advantage, for they often armed themselves with numerous pistols: since the constant splashing of the waves could easily douse the gunpowder of the blunderbuss pistol, pirates needed many to ensure that at least one would function. Moreover, they would more likely have hit their targets, both because of the balance at sea they possessed, and because the weapon they employed was more like a shotgun than today's pistol. Even if tribal chiefs used their own firearms, they could not as easily aim correctly, and it was possible that their single musket or pistol would be useless among the wet conditions. At the same time, the pirates often used numerous men to attack their victims at sea, so that if an equal number of chiefs were fighting pirates, the chiefs could have an advantage. Without dwelling too much on the details of this evenly-matched melee, my prediction is that raiders would overcome chiefs.
2. Cowboys versus Giants
This contest would, unfortunately for the cowboys, be much more one-sided. Despite their physical toughness, ability with horse and rifle, and rugged good looks, life on the prairie could not prepare cowboys to overcome giants. These hulking figures from the heavens or elsewhere could simply squash the unprepared cowboys. I therefore predict that the giants would easily overcome the cowboys.
3. Rams versus Chargers
This, too, would be an easy prediction. While I believe many of us would root for mountain rams if pitted against lightning bolts, it is unlikely that they could locate quickly enough--let alone battle-- lightning. When you consider that these poor rams would be up against up to one billion volts of electricity, the only hope for these poor animals would be to shelter themselves and avoid water and tall metal objects. Indeed, in such a contest, it would be necessary for a referee to intervene and stop the contest, the rams being subjected to merciless lightning strikes. I therefore predict that the chargers would easily win over the rams.
4. Cardinals versus Seahawks
The only hope for a group of cardinals in this battle for the skies among avian rivals would be to draw the seahawks--ospreys-- away from their home among the oceans toward land. Indeed, while the seed-eating cardinals have strong bills, Stanford researchers have found that "there is little relationship between the size of a bird and how fast it flies." (1) There would, thus, be little hope of escape from their much larger osprey opponents, which are often confused with eagles and would utilize their long talons--normally reserved for plucking fish from the water--to grasp and defeat the cardinals. The size difference alone would be enough to lead the over-matched cardinals to chirp for mercy: weighing up to 4.4 pounds, and with a wingspan of up to six feet, ospreys look frighteningly large next to a six-foot man, let alone a teacup-sized and1.8 ounce cardinal, known more for its singing than its fighting ability. (2) Indeed, to release a group of cardinals to the mercies of an equal number of ospreys would be, at best, cruel. I therefore predict that the seahawks would win easily.
5. Redskins versus 49ers
Like the battle between raiders and chiefs, this scenario could actually take place, for these two groups were also contemporaries. This would be an unfortunate contest for the hapless gold-seeking miners, however. Driven more by their desire for fortune than their need to fight, the 49ers--whose only weapons would be their fortitude, hardiness, and durability-- would find themselves at the mercies of Native Americans raised with a knowledge of hunting. The poor 49ers, so named by the year they left for California, would be too busy recovering from the hardships of their journey and their lack of resources in their new home to have a chance. I therefore predict that the weaponless and unknowing 49ers would succumb to their Native American rivals.
6. Dolphins versus Broncos
Also like the match-up between the raiders and chiefs, this contest would depend on the venue. Horses can swim, to be sure, but anyone who has ever played Sega's "Ecco the Dolphin" knows the power of a dolphin snout strike. Able to swim up to twenty-five miles per hour, the dolphins could use their echolocation pulses and clicks to locate and then strike the poor horses, which would have no chance in such a foreign environment.**** Conversely, if such a battle ensued on dry land, one would be hard pressed to find a believer in dolphin victory. The broncos could simply bronco buck their aquarian rivals. Since horses can swim, but legless dolphins are unable to navigate land, I believe that the broncos would possess a slight advantage, and I therefore predict a bronco victory.
7. Jaguars versus Colts
Even an adult horse would be in danger from the jaguar, though it could outrun the cat. For the poor colt--a horse under the age of four-- even its speed may not be enough for deliverance: jaguars can reach up to fifty-five miles per hour. (5) When you pit a horse under the age of four against a cat that can reach 250 pounds in weight, that sometimes ambushes animals from trees, that swims well, and that is raised from the age of two to hunt and kill other animals as large as deer with a bite that can pierce turtle shells, the colt's only recourse is to whinny for mercy. (6) Actually, the colt does have one advantage. Horses prefer to be with their herd, while jaguars are territorial against other jaguar and prefer to be alone. The colts could remain in a group for protection. Conversely, if each colt could each somehow stand next to a jaguar and buck a nearby jaguar, perhaps the other jaguar would grow angry and a jaguar civil war would ensue. Otherwise, I predict that in a contest between jaguars and colts, the jaguar would win.
8. Bengals versus Texans
No doubt Texans are tough. Heck, even the lone star on their flag shows that don't nobody mess with a Texan. Still, a group of Texans would have to admit fear when faced with an equal number of Bengal tigers. They are large enough to hunt buffalo, and weigh up to five-hundred pounds. Among its advantages are its size, weight, and stealth: a Bengal tiger hunts at night and creeps up on its prey, only to pounce on it. It also has the capacity of scaring-you-really-really-bad: its roar can be heard for up to two miles. (7) Despite these formidable creatures, an equal number of Texans with enough ingenuity and ammunition would likely prevail. Let the tigers be warned: if it is against the law in Texas to graffiti on another man's cow, you'd better believe Texans will be angry if one of those Bengal tigers threatened a head of cattle.I predict a Texan victory, despite the incredibly formidable opponent. (8)
9. Packers versus Vikings
We need food. That is why packers are so important. Since the job of packer is such a physical one, preparing and packing food for transport as they do, it may be that many packers are in good physical condition. However, a group of these loyal employees would likely fall quickly in a battle with Vikings. So fierce and threatening were these Vikings that it was in part because of them that feudalism developed in Europe. Indeed, medieval European communities along the coast especially were in grave danger from Viking assaults, so much so that Europeans began cooperating to defend themselves. Pack as they may, no amount of packing could save a group of packers from an equal number of Vikings. Box cutters and unions simply will not do against a group of men wielding spears, shields, axes, and other weapons. (9) I therefore predict an easy victory for the Vikings.
10. Lions versus Patriots
Like the battle between jaguars and Texans, a fight between a group of lions and American revolutionary soldiers would be challenging for both sides. Unlike the jaguars-Texans battle, however, the armament of the human side would be potentially inadequate against an equal number on the cat side. Patriot soldiers might carry a single-fire matchlock musket with a bayonette, a pistol, and if you were an officer, a sword. Some carried no weapons at all, however. (10) If the lions got close enough, however, a bayonette may do little to stop them. Weighing up to 420 pounds and working in groups called prides, these animals are also territorial: they can lay hold of and protect as much as 100 square miles of land. (11) If I had to choose, I believe the patriots would be outmatched. I predict a lion victory.
11. Browns versus Falcons
It certainly would be entertaining to watch a group of falcons battle against a color traditionally associated with humility, poverty, and plainness, and decided by both Europeans and Americans to be the least favorite color. (12) To see peregrine falcons, who hunt from above, swoop dive at speeds of up to 200 miles per hour to assault an inanimate color would be worse for the birds, I suppose, since the color is not alive to lose. (13) This would be the case if Browns were only a color. Instead, the Browns here are named after the football team's first coach, Paul Brown. This, then, would provide a more fitting challenge for the peregrines. Since coaches--we hope--rarely wield weapons, a group of Paul Browns would find it challenging at best to defend themselves against falcons. Of course, medieval European lords and monarchs were known to domesticate these birds for hunting purposes. If the Paul Browns could somehow calm the falcons into submission, they might win by diplomacy rather by than hand-to-talon combat. Still, the group of Paul Browns would be better suited to coaching football than domesticating birds. For that reason, I side with the falcons.
12. Titans versus Eagles
Given that titans are powerful and giant god-like beings in Greek mythology, a flock of bald eagles--which reside with their mates-- would stand little chance. These titans were beings who, according to myth, attempted to take Zeus's throne by killing the infant child Dionysus, to whom Zeus had given the throne. It is after this group of beings that the metal titanium and the RMS Titanic is named. (14) The only recourse for the eagles would be their speed, I suppose, but I side immediately with the titans.
13. Buccaneers versus Bears
"Buccaneer" was another name for a pirate, specific to the Caribbean. Pitting a group of buccaneers against a group of grizzle bears would be foolhardy, but would provide a challenge for the pirates. Even with their pistols, grizzlies--at 800 pounds--are slow to fall. Grizzlies, you will recall, are swift runners, reaching up to thirty miles per hour, so that those pirates who attempted to flee would be as bad off as those who stayed. (15) I imagine that if the pirates had their ship and cannon this would be a different story, but as it stands, I believe the bears would prevail.
Note that the next two teams are playing as I write this.
14. Jets versus Bills
Now this would be a sight, indeed. To watch an airplane take on a 2,200 pound bison would be monumental. Despite the otherwise colossal size and weight of the American bison--the heaviest land animal on the continent, the American bison can reach six-and-a-half feet tall--they are quite fast, reaching up to 40 miles per hour. (16) This would be little comfort to a group of bison attempting to wage battle against a group of commercial planes, each traveling up to 510 knots (1 knot=1.15 miles per hour). (17) Of course, the only way the jets could prevail would be to slam themselves into their opponents. Because this would be a one-chance attempt, the best option for the bison would be to use their speed to avoid the crashing planes. Still, such large machines would be likely to miss so that the planes, I believe, would win a Pyrrhic victory, destroying themselves as they destroy their furry opponents.
15.Ravens versus Saints
This is a fitting battle, indeed. The Ravens are named after the raven in Edgar Allen Poe's poem of the same name, a symbol of ill-omen to its hearer. Pit a group of these creatures against an equal number of saints, and one may recall the actual spiritual battle that Christians must wage against the "spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Ephesians 6:12). While saints themselves may not prevail, I suspect that God would side with them in a battle with the ravens. For that reason, I believe the saints would win.
16. Panthers and Steelers
It's lucky for these metal-working men that they don't have to battle panthers, also called leopards, which can weigh as much as or more than a full-size man, and are familiar enough in trees to drag their kills into them to protect the food from other animals. (18) While steel workers are as tough as they come, a bare-handed battle against a group of these formidable foes would certainly bode poorly for the men. Therefore, if this battle took place, I would side with the panthers.
Thus concludes our look into what would happen in NFL mascot battles. Each competition could be the subject of its own book, but taken together, it is shocking that such potential competitions have garnered as little attention as they have. I suppose this is a good thing, for few would actually enjoy watching dolphins fight broncos, or cowboys fight giants. Perhaps these hypothetical scenarios, then, stand as a sole monument to the courage of those creatures, people, mythical deities, and things brave enough to compete against one another.
1. Ehrlich, Paul, Dobkin, David, and Derryl Wheye. "How Fast and High Do Birds Fly?"Stanford University. 1988. Web. 24 November 2014.
2. "Osprey" and "Cardinal" (separate articles). National Geographic Society. 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
3. Kelly, Martin. "Going to California: 49ers and the Gold Rush." About.com American History, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
4. "Introduction to Dolphin Acoustics, Part III." Dolcotech.
5. "Is a Jaguar Faster Than a Cheetah?" Purely Facts. Web. 24 November 2014.
6. "Jaguar." National Geographic Society. 2014, Web. 24 November 2014.
7. "Bengal Tiger." National Geographic Society, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
8. Random Facts. "50 Interesting Facts About Texas." RandomHistory.com, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
9. Vike, Kim Hjardar and Vegard (2011). Vikinger i krig (Vikings at war) (in Norwegian). Oslo: Spartacus.
10. Revolutionary War Antiques. "Weapons of the Revolutionary War." 2014. Web; "Revolutionary War Weapons."Web. November 24 2014.
11. "African Lion." National Geographic Society, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
12. "Brown." Wikipedia. 2014. Originally from Heller, Eva, Psychologie de la couleur' -effets et symboliiques, (2009), p. 212-223. Web. 24 November 2014.
13. "Peregrine Falcon." National Geographic Society, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
14. "Titan (mythology)." Wikipedia. Web. 24 November 2014; "Bald Eagle." National Geographic Society, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
15. "Grizzly Bear." National Geographic Society, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
16. "American Bison." National Geographic Society, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
17. Hoagland, Kate. "Why Hasn't Commercial Air Travel Gotten Any Faster Since the 1960s?" MIT. Web. 24 November 2014.
18. "Leopard." National Geographic Society, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
1. Raiders versus Chiefs
Our first contest appears to be a difficult, yet exciting, one to predict. Who wouldn't want to see pirates battle Native American chiefs, whether by land or sea? To make it the more interesting, we recall that these two groups were, in fact, contemporaries, meaning such a match-up could have actually taken place. To predict our winner, let us note first that home field advantage matters. For, if pirates were forced to battle their resourceful opponents among the forests of, say, Pennsylvania or New York, Native chiefs from tribes like the Lenni Lenape-- or perhaps more powerful-- the Mohawk and Seneca of the Iroquois League, the chiefs would certainly possess intimate knowledge of the land, and pirates would find themselves searching--perhaps aimlessly--to find those attacking them with guerrilla tactics. Corsairs, privateers, and other pirates, however, often began their careers with commercial or naval operations, and only later opted or--many times--forced to join pirate vessels. They were therefore skilled men of the sea, able easily to maintain balance amid the tossing of the waves. It would not be surprising if Native chiefs had first to focus their energies on correcting their seasickness before focusing them on their much more seaworthy opponents; and therefore would be at a signal disadvantage. Considering next the weaponry used, we find that pirates here would likely have the advantage, for they often armed themselves with numerous pistols: since the constant splashing of the waves could easily douse the gunpowder of the blunderbuss pistol, pirates needed many to ensure that at least one would function. Moreover, they would more likely have hit their targets, both because of the balance at sea they possessed, and because the weapon they employed was more like a shotgun than today's pistol. Even if tribal chiefs used their own firearms, they could not as easily aim correctly, and it was possible that their single musket or pistol would be useless among the wet conditions. At the same time, the pirates often used numerous men to attack their victims at sea, so that if an equal number of chiefs were fighting pirates, the chiefs could have an advantage. Without dwelling too much on the details of this evenly-matched melee, my prediction is that raiders would overcome chiefs.
2. Cowboys versus Giants
This contest would, unfortunately for the cowboys, be much more one-sided. Despite their physical toughness, ability with horse and rifle, and rugged good looks, life on the prairie could not prepare cowboys to overcome giants. These hulking figures from the heavens or elsewhere could simply squash the unprepared cowboys. I therefore predict that the giants would easily overcome the cowboys.
3. Rams versus Chargers
This, too, would be an easy prediction. While I believe many of us would root for mountain rams if pitted against lightning bolts, it is unlikely that they could locate quickly enough--let alone battle-- lightning. When you consider that these poor rams would be up against up to one billion volts of electricity, the only hope for these poor animals would be to shelter themselves and avoid water and tall metal objects. Indeed, in such a contest, it would be necessary for a referee to intervene and stop the contest, the rams being subjected to merciless lightning strikes. I therefore predict that the chargers would easily win over the rams.
4. Cardinals versus Seahawks
The only hope for a group of cardinals in this battle for the skies among avian rivals would be to draw the seahawks--ospreys-- away from their home among the oceans toward land. Indeed, while the seed-eating cardinals have strong bills, Stanford researchers have found that "there is little relationship between the size of a bird and how fast it flies." (1) There would, thus, be little hope of escape from their much larger osprey opponents, which are often confused with eagles and would utilize their long talons--normally reserved for plucking fish from the water--to grasp and defeat the cardinals. The size difference alone would be enough to lead the over-matched cardinals to chirp for mercy: weighing up to 4.4 pounds, and with a wingspan of up to six feet, ospreys look frighteningly large next to a six-foot man, let alone a teacup-sized and1.8 ounce cardinal, known more for its singing than its fighting ability. (2) Indeed, to release a group of cardinals to the mercies of an equal number of ospreys would be, at best, cruel. I therefore predict that the seahawks would win easily.
5. Redskins versus 49ers
Like the battle between raiders and chiefs, this scenario could actually take place, for these two groups were also contemporaries. This would be an unfortunate contest for the hapless gold-seeking miners, however. Driven more by their desire for fortune than their need to fight, the 49ers--whose only weapons would be their fortitude, hardiness, and durability-- would find themselves at the mercies of Native Americans raised with a knowledge of hunting. The poor 49ers, so named by the year they left for California, would be too busy recovering from the hardships of their journey and their lack of resources in their new home to have a chance. I therefore predict that the weaponless and unknowing 49ers would succumb to their Native American rivals.
6. Dolphins versus Broncos
Also like the match-up between the raiders and chiefs, this contest would depend on the venue. Horses can swim, to be sure, but anyone who has ever played Sega's "Ecco the Dolphin" knows the power of a dolphin snout strike. Able to swim up to twenty-five miles per hour, the dolphins could use their echolocation pulses and clicks to locate and then strike the poor horses, which would have no chance in such a foreign environment.**** Conversely, if such a battle ensued on dry land, one would be hard pressed to find a believer in dolphin victory. The broncos could simply bronco buck their aquarian rivals. Since horses can swim, but legless dolphins are unable to navigate land, I believe that the broncos would possess a slight advantage, and I therefore predict a bronco victory.
7. Jaguars versus Colts
Even an adult horse would be in danger from the jaguar, though it could outrun the cat. For the poor colt--a horse under the age of four-- even its speed may not be enough for deliverance: jaguars can reach up to fifty-five miles per hour. (5) When you pit a horse under the age of four against a cat that can reach 250 pounds in weight, that sometimes ambushes animals from trees, that swims well, and that is raised from the age of two to hunt and kill other animals as large as deer with a bite that can pierce turtle shells, the colt's only recourse is to whinny for mercy. (6) Actually, the colt does have one advantage. Horses prefer to be with their herd, while jaguars are territorial against other jaguar and prefer to be alone. The colts could remain in a group for protection. Conversely, if each colt could each somehow stand next to a jaguar and buck a nearby jaguar, perhaps the other jaguar would grow angry and a jaguar civil war would ensue. Otherwise, I predict that in a contest between jaguars and colts, the jaguar would win.
8. Bengals versus Texans
No doubt Texans are tough. Heck, even the lone star on their flag shows that don't nobody mess with a Texan. Still, a group of Texans would have to admit fear when faced with an equal number of Bengal tigers. They are large enough to hunt buffalo, and weigh up to five-hundred pounds. Among its advantages are its size, weight, and stealth: a Bengal tiger hunts at night and creeps up on its prey, only to pounce on it. It also has the capacity of scaring-you-really-really-bad: its roar can be heard for up to two miles. (7) Despite these formidable creatures, an equal number of Texans with enough ingenuity and ammunition would likely prevail. Let the tigers be warned: if it is against the law in Texas to graffiti on another man's cow, you'd better believe Texans will be angry if one of those Bengal tigers threatened a head of cattle.I predict a Texan victory, despite the incredibly formidable opponent. (8)
9. Packers versus Vikings
We need food. That is why packers are so important. Since the job of packer is such a physical one, preparing and packing food for transport as they do, it may be that many packers are in good physical condition. However, a group of these loyal employees would likely fall quickly in a battle with Vikings. So fierce and threatening were these Vikings that it was in part because of them that feudalism developed in Europe. Indeed, medieval European communities along the coast especially were in grave danger from Viking assaults, so much so that Europeans began cooperating to defend themselves. Pack as they may, no amount of packing could save a group of packers from an equal number of Vikings. Box cutters and unions simply will not do against a group of men wielding spears, shields, axes, and other weapons. (9) I therefore predict an easy victory for the Vikings.
10. Lions versus Patriots
Like the battle between jaguars and Texans, a fight between a group of lions and American revolutionary soldiers would be challenging for both sides. Unlike the jaguars-Texans battle, however, the armament of the human side would be potentially inadequate against an equal number on the cat side. Patriot soldiers might carry a single-fire matchlock musket with a bayonette, a pistol, and if you were an officer, a sword. Some carried no weapons at all, however. (10) If the lions got close enough, however, a bayonette may do little to stop them. Weighing up to 420 pounds and working in groups called prides, these animals are also territorial: they can lay hold of and protect as much as 100 square miles of land. (11) If I had to choose, I believe the patriots would be outmatched. I predict a lion victory.
11. Browns versus Falcons
It certainly would be entertaining to watch a group of falcons battle against a color traditionally associated with humility, poverty, and plainness, and decided by both Europeans and Americans to be the least favorite color. (12) To see peregrine falcons, who hunt from above, swoop dive at speeds of up to 200 miles per hour to assault an inanimate color would be worse for the birds, I suppose, since the color is not alive to lose. (13) This would be the case if Browns were only a color. Instead, the Browns here are named after the football team's first coach, Paul Brown. This, then, would provide a more fitting challenge for the peregrines. Since coaches--we hope--rarely wield weapons, a group of Paul Browns would find it challenging at best to defend themselves against falcons. Of course, medieval European lords and monarchs were known to domesticate these birds for hunting purposes. If the Paul Browns could somehow calm the falcons into submission, they might win by diplomacy rather by than hand-to-talon combat. Still, the group of Paul Browns would be better suited to coaching football than domesticating birds. For that reason, I side with the falcons.
12. Titans versus Eagles
Given that titans are powerful and giant god-like beings in Greek mythology, a flock of bald eagles--which reside with their mates-- would stand little chance. These titans were beings who, according to myth, attempted to take Zeus's throne by killing the infant child Dionysus, to whom Zeus had given the throne. It is after this group of beings that the metal titanium and the RMS Titanic is named. (14) The only recourse for the eagles would be their speed, I suppose, but I side immediately with the titans.
13. Buccaneers versus Bears
"Buccaneer" was another name for a pirate, specific to the Caribbean. Pitting a group of buccaneers against a group of grizzle bears would be foolhardy, but would provide a challenge for the pirates. Even with their pistols, grizzlies--at 800 pounds--are slow to fall. Grizzlies, you will recall, are swift runners, reaching up to thirty miles per hour, so that those pirates who attempted to flee would be as bad off as those who stayed. (15) I imagine that if the pirates had their ship and cannon this would be a different story, but as it stands, I believe the bears would prevail.
Note that the next two teams are playing as I write this.
14. Jets versus Bills
Now this would be a sight, indeed. To watch an airplane take on a 2,200 pound bison would be monumental. Despite the otherwise colossal size and weight of the American bison--the heaviest land animal on the continent, the American bison can reach six-and-a-half feet tall--they are quite fast, reaching up to 40 miles per hour. (16) This would be little comfort to a group of bison attempting to wage battle against a group of commercial planes, each traveling up to 510 knots (1 knot=1.15 miles per hour). (17) Of course, the only way the jets could prevail would be to slam themselves into their opponents. Because this would be a one-chance attempt, the best option for the bison would be to use their speed to avoid the crashing planes. Still, such large machines would be likely to miss so that the planes, I believe, would win a Pyrrhic victory, destroying themselves as they destroy their furry opponents.
15.Ravens versus Saints
This is a fitting battle, indeed. The Ravens are named after the raven in Edgar Allen Poe's poem of the same name, a symbol of ill-omen to its hearer. Pit a group of these creatures against an equal number of saints, and one may recall the actual spiritual battle that Christians must wage against the "spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Ephesians 6:12). While saints themselves may not prevail, I suspect that God would side with them in a battle with the ravens. For that reason, I believe the saints would win.
16. Panthers and Steelers
It's lucky for these metal-working men that they don't have to battle panthers, also called leopards, which can weigh as much as or more than a full-size man, and are familiar enough in trees to drag their kills into them to protect the food from other animals. (18) While steel workers are as tough as they come, a bare-handed battle against a group of these formidable foes would certainly bode poorly for the men. Therefore, if this battle took place, I would side with the panthers.
Thus concludes our look into what would happen in NFL mascot battles. Each competition could be the subject of its own book, but taken together, it is shocking that such potential competitions have garnered as little attention as they have. I suppose this is a good thing, for few would actually enjoy watching dolphins fight broncos, or cowboys fight giants. Perhaps these hypothetical scenarios, then, stand as a sole monument to the courage of those creatures, people, mythical deities, and things brave enough to compete against one another.
1. Ehrlich, Paul, Dobkin, David, and Derryl Wheye. "How Fast and High Do Birds Fly?"Stanford University. 1988. Web. 24 November 2014.
2. "Osprey" and "Cardinal" (separate articles). National Geographic Society. 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
3. Kelly, Martin. "Going to California: 49ers and the Gold Rush." About.com American History, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
4. "Introduction to Dolphin Acoustics, Part III." Dolcotech.
5. "Is a Jaguar Faster Than a Cheetah?" Purely Facts. Web. 24 November 2014.
6. "Jaguar." National Geographic Society. 2014, Web. 24 November 2014.
7. "Bengal Tiger." National Geographic Society, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
8. Random Facts. "50 Interesting Facts About Texas." RandomHistory.com, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
9. Vike, Kim Hjardar and Vegard (2011). Vikinger i krig (Vikings at war) (in Norwegian). Oslo: Spartacus.
10. Revolutionary War Antiques. "Weapons of the Revolutionary War." 2014. Web; "Revolutionary War Weapons."Web. November 24 2014.
11. "African Lion." National Geographic Society, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
12. "Brown." Wikipedia. 2014. Originally from Heller, Eva, Psychologie de la couleur' -effets et symboliiques, (2009), p. 212-223. Web. 24 November 2014.
13. "Peregrine Falcon." National Geographic Society, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
14. "Titan (mythology)." Wikipedia. Web. 24 November 2014; "Bald Eagle." National Geographic Society, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
15. "Grizzly Bear." National Geographic Society, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
16. "American Bison." National Geographic Society, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
17. Hoagland, Kate. "Why Hasn't Commercial Air Travel Gotten Any Faster Since the 1960s?" MIT. Web. 24 November 2014.
18. "Leopard." National Geographic Society, 2014. Web. 24 November 2014.
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